Wednesday, 15 October 2014

"You've got to learn to get up from the table, when love is no longer being served". Nina Simone

Ever have that feeling?
Well it's not nice.

I have spent so long with one person, just to find years later that there is no love there.  Worse still, I begun to question whether there was to start off with.  I also looked within myself, wanting to know when I lost my love for him, was it before or after that realisation?  I felt gutted, wounded and let down down, each recollection of memories searching back was another blow to my head.

Each time I reeled back from the shockwaves, as I delved deeper into my psyche. Realisation kicked in, in a big way, I had to face the fact that I had been blinded by choice.  It was my choice, that all the niggles about our relationship, (or things I was unhappy with), had been pushed to one side, I carried on regardless. Boldly bowing down to my vows as a married woman, for better or worse etc, etc.  More fool me, when I it dawned on me that I had been ruthlessly taken for granted, manipulated, used and abandoned, instead of being loved and cared for.

I guess I always knew that something wasn't quite right, it all seemed one-sided - I was giving, and he was taking.  I had denied it to myself, in my head for so long.  It was only when I started to look at the woman I had become, because of him, that the true damage became apparent... 'I was running on empty' .

I was craving for the very things that he couldn't or wouldn't show or give to me.  I was indeed empty.  The 'belief' that he loved and appreciated me, had been based on frequently used words; they had kept me going.   However, there were seldom any 'facts or acts' to support "i love you", they were quite simply just empty words.

The more I thought about it, the more my own feelings toward him emerged, in my heart I had nothing left for him, so once again I found myself in a very lonely place.

Everything changed after that revelation.  I woke up and finally accepted that I wanted to start living 'my' life again, but for 'me' this time.  Throughout all of this, I blame myself, it is/was my responsibility.  After all it was me that allowed this behaviour to continue, and it's down to me to stop it.

All I want is to find my smile again and be happy, it's way overdue!  Sx