Wednesday 15 October 2014

"You've got to learn to get up from the table, when love is no longer being served". Nina Simone

Ever have that feeling?
Well it's not nice.

I have spent so long with one person, just to find years later that there is no love there.  Worse still, I begun to question whether there was to start off with.  I also looked within myself, wanting to know when I lost my love for him, was it before or after that realisation?  I felt gutted, wounded and let down down, each recollection of memories searching back was another blow to my head.

Each time I reeled back from the shockwaves, as I delved deeper into my psyche. Realisation kicked in, in a big way, I had to face the fact that I had been blinded by choice.  It was my choice, that all the niggles about our relationship, (or things I was unhappy with), had been pushed to one side, I carried on regardless. Boldly bowing down to my vows as a married woman, for better or worse etc, etc.  More fool me, when I it dawned on me that I had been ruthlessly taken for granted, manipulated, used and abandoned, instead of being loved and cared for.

I guess I always knew that something wasn't quite right, it all seemed one-sided - I was giving, and he was taking.  I had denied it to myself, in my head for so long.  It was only when I started to look at the woman I had become, because of him, that the true damage became apparent... 'I was running on empty' .

I was craving for the very things that he couldn't or wouldn't show or give to me.  I was indeed empty.  The 'belief' that he loved and appreciated me, had been based on frequently used words; they had kept me going.   However, there were seldom any 'facts or acts' to support "i love you", they were quite simply just empty words.

The more I thought about it, the more my own feelings toward him emerged, in my heart I had nothing left for him, so once again I found myself in a very lonely place.

Everything changed after that revelation.  I woke up and finally accepted that I wanted to start living 'my' life again, but for 'me' this time.  Throughout all of this, I blame myself, it is/was my responsibility.  After all it was me that allowed this behaviour to continue, and it's down to me to stop it.

All I want is to find my smile again and be happy, it's way overdue!  Sx



No comments:

Post a Comment

Please feel free to leave a comment, any feedback is welcome.