Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Just waiting to fall apart... again.

I have to say it has not been a great start to this year, even though we are now over four months into it.  But I was so grateful to be able to turn the page on 2015, a year that had witnessed many changes in my life. 

I had to be so driven last year, because it was the only way I could have made the transition from ending something old and painful, and embracing something new an unknown.

The saying:‘You don’t know how strong you are, until you put in a situation that tests you’, is so incredibly true.  There were many times, I thought I was so broken and had nothing left, but somehow, I kept up the fight to win through.  There were many times, when I really wanted to just fall apart, but each time, I reminded myself that I had dealt with far worse, so I saved myself instead. But of course, it has come at a heavy cost, but I cannot deny that it was worth it.

I had ended last year feeling thoroughly drained and exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally.  But now, I look at how far I have come in that time, and feel like I have performed nothing short of a miracle. 

What was once just a thought, has become a true reality, I parted company from my ex after 18 and half years together, (even though the last two years with him was a nightmare), having to be under the same roof with someone that no longer cares for you, is by no means easy.  He had always been a Jekyll and Hyde kind of man, I had seen the flip side of him so many times, but I don’t know what was hardest; whether it was watching the final transformation from Jekyll to Hyde, or knowing, that’s what he had in him.  But throughout this difficult period I always expected the worst from him, so I was left with no surprises.  However, I was still quite take aback at the depths he was prepared to go, just to hurt me.

He never lifted a hand to me, but then he knew what the consequences would be if he did – he would have definitely ended up being worse off.  Instead he took his physical aggression out on objects and things around the house, nothing that ever belonged to him mind, only my stuff.  There was always a quiet rage going on within his head that would erupt over the most ridiculous things.  Where once I would have taken the time to talk to him and calm him done, at the end I didn’t care, I let him rage. 

He spoke with such venomous words toward me, at times I even had to ask myself, what I could have possibly done to him to make him behave this way.  But the truth was, it wasn’t anything I had done or said, he was just so intent on hurting me, he hadn’t noticed he had been hurting himself.  Every little mean thing he tried to say or do, backfired on him, he thought he could crush me, but he had failed.  He was not a very nice man in the, but I accept that I allowed him to be that way with me, for far too long, and I shouldn’t have.  I should have stopped things so much sooner, I should have gone the moment I discovered the depth of the financial mire he was in, but instead, I stayed, I helped, I sorted it out, I put him back on his feet again, I gave him back his pride and dignity.  My big mistake, but that’s what marriage vows are for, aren’t they?

It was my first anniversary a couple of weeks back, a landmark I had almost overlooked.  But it’s been a whole year since I last saw him, or spoke to him.  It has been a whole year of off loading every aspect of him, eradicating him from my life and thoughts.  It has been a very cleansing experience, in my mind I am happier, and I feel lighter like I did 20 years ago before I met him.  It’s just sad that physically I am still feeling the pains that all that stress and anguish has brought on me, but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

In my head I have taken all my time with him, boxed it up and shut it away, as though it never happened.  So even though he will always be a part of my life, he’ll never play an active role in it again, under any circumstances.

There has been no end of emotional and physical battles to fight these last few years, all in the name of ‘sorting’ my life out.  My health has declined mainly thanks to the car accident, and that I have pushed myself so hard to achieve things.  These last few months have been particularly hard, but it has given me the time to contemplate and reflect on both positive and negative issues that affect my life.  Everything has been reassessed, reevaluated, and a decision made about its relevance or importance to me.  Anything that is beyond my control has been discarded off the list of my worries, leaving me more time to focus on my own needs.

So one year on, I can celebrate success – I have found me a new place that I am slowly making into my home.  I am enjoying rediscovering and expressing my art and creativity, something that has for too long been repressed.  I am filling my head daily with music, new and old, I hadn’t appreciated just how music can be so good for the soul.  Thankfully I feel free, I feel happy and I do not want or need for anything, life is back to being tranquil, peaceful and simple.

I can say that I have now reached a point where I can relax my shoulders and breathe again.  Sx