Wednesday, 17 February 2016

It's okay to fall apart.

Reading back over my last few posts, I guess I have mentioned that I felt like I was going down again.  I've had a lot on my mind, and also had a lot of little battles that I needed to fight in my head.

Now being a true Cancerian, I have always been a good shoulder to cry or lean on for others, but I have never found anyone who could do that for me.  I suppose the way I see it, is that if someone is coming to me for help or guidance, how can they provide me with what I need?  I.e. if I am a rock, then surely I need someone who is a bigger and stronger rock.  I do so hope that makes sense, but anyway, I digress.  

So throughout my life, whenever I am in a mess, angry or trying to figure something out etc, I will generally withdraw back into the quiet of my shell, where I will then bash it out; only when sorted, will I re-emerge with a clear and decisive head. Doing this and writing this blog etc, has usually worked for me, and the process can take anything from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks.  Sometimes it may bring tears, but it always brings serious thought, and as a result I will always trust my gut instincts before anything else.

A lot of things have been getting me down lately, some things I have mentioned in previous posts, but I am pleased to say that I have reached a kind of conclusion.  It suddenly hit me the other day that I hadn’t really fully appreciated what’s been going on in my life, or the pressure that I have been struggling with for the past 8 years. 

I have almost been in denial about my health, putting it on a back burner, whilst focusing on other things.  Presumably because I thought they were more important, how wrong I was…  So up until now, I still hadn’t given myself the time or permission to be ill, but then neither did anyone else.

I think for the first time, in a long time, I understand why I need to be kind to myself.  Only now, thinking about the enormity of my struggles, I see why I have slowly deteriorated both mentally and physically over the last few months.  I can see, how I have kept up the pretense in front of other people, letting them think that things were much better, than they actually were, I guess in the long run, it took less energy.  They don’t get that when I step outside, I automatically put on a really brave face, just to be as normal as I can, I don’t really want to draw attention to myself.  Because that then involves many questions, suggestions, solutions and so on, and so on, too often from people that really don’t want t know.  Even when those questions are answered the asker is still left puzzled, and it is extremely exhausting for me.

My old friend depression has come to visit again, not that it ever left, I had just squirreled it away somewhere, in order to do what needed to be done.  New pains have been creeping in all over my body, and I am just so exhausted every single day.  My thermostatic controls have gone haywire, and I find myself suddenly soaked in sweat, even though I am feeling freezing cold.  My sleep is so disturbed that I can’t count of the number of times I wake up throughout the night.  So every morning, it feels like I haven’t slept at all, and so the cycle continues…
I feel like a battered and broken woman.  There are not many places left on my body that don’t hurt, there are no such things as good days anymore, they are either bad days or worse ones.  I am actually overwhelmed by the amount and level of pain that I had no choice but get used to and accept.  I have had to learn how to read my body, and know when it’s time to stop and do nothing but rest, but that doesn’t stop my mind from going into overdrive. 

I have no idea what, why or how this horrible condition fibromyalgia all got triggered off.  I keep racking my brain, dredging up old memories, just trying to identify that one thing that caused me enough stress to kick-start this illness.
Lately, I must confess, I have felt a little sorry for myself, and for the life I no longer have.  I don’t dwell there too long, there would be no point, and it hurts too much.  Accepting acceptance is an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it is the only way that I can move on.  Only within these walls, can I really be myself, but believe me I am not easy taskmaster, and will still frequently chastise and push myself far to much, only because I refuse to give in to it.

A lot of things disappeared from my life, mainly the things that I really enjoyed, and used as a form of expression, they were for a while replaced with much darker things.  For quite a long time, my only real joy was with my little pooch Lulu, she has given me so much.  But now, I have my art and creativity back on board, and I feel an awakening.  It’s something for me to do and get lost in, while I continue to bash things out in my head.

This is an important part of my journey, this is the stage where I have to let go, be they harmful thoughts, feelings people or things.  This is the stage where I really do start my new beginning, so it a necessary step to revisit hidden things from my past, and be done with them for once and for all; otherwise, I will remain standing still.

It does feel like I have a big dark cloud hanging just over my head, going wherever I go, but I know that this will not always be the case.   So for now, I will continue to search my soul for the answers that will get me out of here.

Depression is still such a dirty word to some, yet pretty much everyone’s lives have probably been touched by it.  There is still this weird stigma attached to it, even though it is such a common illness.  At some point we have all experienced it, but the less fortunate suffers even with medication can feel it for years, it can become a very debilitating condition; and not one you can just ‘brush off’.

I have every reason to be depressed, it is only natural considering my daily issues, I am sure if I felt no pain I would be so much happier and have a fuller life.   But as that is not going to happen, I will remain determined that I will find my way through this…  Sx