Thursday, 18 August 2016

Stroking the hidden lioness...

I had written this awhile ago, but didn't realise I hadn't posted it!

I have found myself feeling very sad, low and angry just lately.  Not sure if it’s been brought on by an individual thing or a culmination of many, but I do know that unshed tears have finally been making an appearance.

Since the beginning of this year, I have done nothing but reflect on my life, the people in it, events that have happened, the struggles I’ve had to endure and the effect it is having on my ever deteriorating health. 

Please believe me when I say that I am not feeling sorry for myself, because never will the words “Why me?” ever tumble from my lips, that is not who I am.  I have learnt to accept, acceptance a long ago.  There is no room for make believe or false hope, I have accepted the facts for what they are.  But just lately, the burden of all of this has been too much to bear, and I simply don’t have the strength to shake off all the extra baggage that I have been laden with.
I suppose I am guilty of underplaying the effort it has taken to survive these last 15 months, I have sailed through this episode with a painted smile, kidding myself that I have been as competent and strong as I used to be.  But the ugly truth is that it has utterly and completely worn me out.

I have started to see someone, not a therapist as such, but it is a one-hour window every couple of weeks, when I can say ‘blah, blah blah’ and get things off my chest.  Though this is good, the flip side is that every time I have to talk about myself like that; it makes me stare in to the face of how bad things really are, which is not something that I truly want to admit, not for the moment anyway.  These ‘little windows’, are what usually brings on the tears, these occasions make me finally turn my compassion on myself, because I know I am on my own in this.

Every one seems to think that I have a huge support network around me, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.  My life is slowly and silently being stripped away from me, and I have no one’s shoulder to lean on.  There is only me, it has always been only me.

When I think of all the time, love, care and attention I have given to others, it saddens me how little I have actually receive back.  Yet some of these people want me to still keep unconditionally giving, they obviously see they own needs, as being much greater than mine own. 

But I have resolved to stop this.  I have promised myself that I will not give clear passage to anyone to abuse my good nature anymore.  I have been drained of everything, and only now do I see how much damage they were prepared to inflict. No more.  I am done.

I have fallen through weakness, I know, maybe I have an inherent need for punishment, why I don’t nip these things in the bud.  But maybe, it’s because I need to know for certain, that it’s something worth fighting for.  And the only way to do that is to let it run it’s course, and the answer will present itself.  There is no point in gearing up to do battle, if the prize is not worth it in the long run.  And if I’m made to fight, what would I be doing it for?  I certainly don’t need this kind of negativity in my life.

But each time I am knocked down, I rise again much stronger.  My mind is more powerful and my thoughts are very focused.  But it’s not easy to ‘un’ care for someone you once cared very much for; you can’t just flip a switch. 

There is a lesson in that, but I would rather continue looking for the good in people, before I seek the bad.  If I am hurt by anyone, through their actions or their words, then I will of course review that situation, and remove them from my life at speed, if that is what is ultimately required.

But for now anyone would be wise to step around me cautiously, for I am a weary and wounded lioness, filled with rage that is bubbling just under the surface.   Sx