Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Tripping' down memory lane again!

So here I am again, revisiting a place I fell in love with a few years back.  But it's different this time round, I don't feel any stress or anxiety about being here, even though I am on my own this time.
Marakesh, has something about it, there is so much colour, vibrancy and glorious smells; from the rich perfume of frankincense to the horse muck! I have never  been to a place where a horse and cart is  just as common a sight, as bicycles, cars and mopeds on the roads.  But it all makes this a wonderful place, still rich with so much culture.
I can't quite put my finger on what it is that draws me to this place, but I am glad I have had the opportunity to come back here.  
It's weird because I never really thought that I was particularly brave travelling solo, but as a lone woman of a certain age, I guess I must be.  To me it's more about confidence, and knowing that if I didn't do this, I would never go anywhere, and that would be no good at all.

I made a promise to myself, to travel to places I have not been before, for as long as I can afford to, and as long as I am physically able to.  I suppose in a way, it's proof of my survival, that life does go on, even if starting all over again.  Maybe, I just want to feel that not all is lost, that I haven't lost my free spirit, and I haven't given up or given in yet.
A few weeks back, I was beginning to feel like I was in a rut, and felt really low and run down. Most of these feelings were brought on by other people's mischief making.  But in  the end I gave myself a good talking to, and dismissed everything that was getting me down.  That exercise cleared my head of it's misery, and put me  back into a happy place, where at least I feel back in  control again.  And this trip has come at a perfect time. 
I had burnt myself out again.  Only now do I really understand and appreciate what I have been dealing with for so long.  I perhaps had taken too much in my stride, and rolled my sleeves up and just got on with the task in hand.  I didn't really have much choice, it was either move on or stay standing still, in a marriage and life that made me feel very unhappy.
I had lost a lot of myself in that life, I had no sparkle and no joy to speak of.  But each day, I am rediscovering pieces of myself that are glad to be reawakened.  My imagination is all fired up and ready to go, the only thing that stands in the way of that is me, if I get bogged down with other people's shit and demands on my time.  
But again, another promise I have made to myself, is that I come first from now on.  I will not bow down to other people, at a cost to myself, or feel that their needs are greater than mine.  Too many times I have done things, that haven't made me feel good about myself, I have allowed too many people to disrespect me.  And in turn I have disrespected myself, which has left me feeling used and abused.   
But some of it has been my own fault, I looked for something in a person that I was never going to find, and then felt disappointed and let down.  I have given too much time, thought, kindness and attention to the wrong people, only to receive nothing back, no wonder I have felt so empty at times.  
But now, I will only have room in my life, for people who have room in theirs for me; and that is how it needs to be.  Sx :)