Tuesday, 30 December 2014

12 months is a long time...

In anyone's book, but it has felt like a life time to me.

12 months ago, my ex husband made my life an absolute misery.  He pushed me to the point that I started to look at divorce proceedings.  This is, even though he was the one that first mentioned the word, and was so adamant whilst in an fit of rage of course, that thats' what he wanted.  That rage was  directed, point blank, at me, I guess he wanted a response, but not the one he got.

Because at that moment time, I couldn't have been happier.

No matter how my spirit might have felt crushed, those words lifted me right back up there.  It felt like my soul had finally been released.  I knew at that precise moment I would fly again.  However, I also knew that until that day came, I would have to bide my time, and deal with whatever was thrown at me.

It hasn't been a nice year.  In fact, I think this may be my worst year ever.  With so much going against me, I still wonder now, how it is that I have come through this... with a smile on my face.  Because it hasn't been easy.  I have been battling with my illness the year, it has been a struggle at times, to even be on my feet.  And most of this is due to an excess of outside pressures and stress.  This year has been a huge turning point in my life.  I have learned so much, felt so much and hurt so much, but I also know, that all this stuff, will help to build foundations for my new life.

I am not going to go in to details about the things that brought us to that point, because it would mean spending more time thinking and talking about him.  Which is that last thing I want to do.  But what I will say is, to my knowledge I have never needed to apply to "C" word to a person, until it became very apt for him.  I used to refer to  him as "Mister", pretty nondescript and indifferent.  Then I named him "Wylie Coyote", because just like Wylie, whatever shit he pulled on me, only backfired!  But now I affectionately refer to him as "Fuckface", which seems to have stuck.  I was particularly pleased when Facebook came up with a definition for the word "Fuckface", because it defined him perfectly!

I can't find the post itself, but here's the definition: "Fuckface", a person who's face upon immediately seeing, you just want to smack!

I also don't want to be an embittered woman, complaining about how a man has done her wrong!  I definitely don't want to take that thought into a new year, and that's not how I roll.

But this year has brought about many things, that I thought I would never bear witness to, but they all serve as an important lesson for my future.  I lost what ever little care that I still held for him a long time ago, sadly I also lost what little respect I had for him; but that wasn't difficult, because he had no respect for himself.

Fuckface, never knew how to be thankful, in fact he lacked any feeling for anything, unless it was a passion of his.  But unfortunately, all too often he went too far, stared straight down the gullet of the many gift horses I presented, never understanding uninhibited kindness for what it was.  EVERYTHING, was taken, eaten up selfishly and greedily, it really was a disgusting sight to watch.  It's a shame he didn't have the same gusto, when it came to his responsibilities, but hey ho!

But, as I have said before, I blame myself, because I allowed it to continue.  End of.

Finally, my divorce came through on Tuesday, October 22nd, even though I did't find out until the Thursday.  It cost me, I have lost more money than I have gained, but it didn't matter to me, because money has never been my king.  In the end, I opted for the "I just want to be done with this" attitude, to me, not being attached to him and starting over was far more important to me, than what I was leaving behind or losing.  After all I was never going to get it back, was I?  However any celebrations were short lived, because my status might have changed, but not my circumstances.  They were still very much the same!

So instead, I became internally stronger, and remained graceful and dignified at all times, which I think got to him more, because I simply did not respond to his angry words and threats any more.  Which in turn, made my life easier.

Our house, is another story.  It's been on the market since Feb this year, and we had a sale within the first few days.  It looked like everything was going to be sorted.  However, I didn't bank on Fuckface sinking so low, and being the complete and utter twat that he is!  Long story, short, we had a sale, he refused to sign the property papers agreeing to it, so 4 and a half months later, buyers lost interest, and found somewhere else.  His reasons for doing this?   Well, besides blackmailing me with a list of conditions, your guess is as good as mine.  It intrigues me more, because he was the one that bullied me into putting it on the market in the first place, see what I mean by calling him Wylie?  But, I guess he must have thought he was being really clever.

But anyway, I began by saying that "12 months is a long time", it feels like it has all happened frame by frame, in slow motion.  Remembering how I felt back then... almost, but not quite broken.  I so  needed to take control again, bit by bit, piece by piece, picking up fragments of myself that had been lost on the wayside.  I have been so alone at times.  But solitude gave me what I needed, the time to look carefully through all my broken pieces, and discard the fragments that no longer fit.  There was has been no outside influence or interference in the process, it was just down to me.  Muddling my way through my mind, and as usual making sense of it all, seeing the answers I couldn't find before.

All I need now, is for the house to be sold again, we had another false start earlier this month, but the guy was just a time waster.  That is my one true wish for this next year, that as soon as is possible. I can finally sever all my links with Fuckface and move on.

After all it's been over 2 years since our marriage ended, and two months since our divorce, I think it's more than time now.  Sx