Going down!

I decided to make an entry into my diary this afternoon, and I cannot believe that the last time I wrote it in, was eleven months ago.  I just don’t understand how that can be, that I managed to move on and do so much, without needing to share my thoughts.  One very surprising thing, is that as I read it, I was reading about my current frame of mind, which seems to have been exactly the same today, as it was eleven months ago.

"For the last few weeks, I could feel my steady decline approaching. All thoughts of Christmas, (A time I hoped I would be celebrating) has fallen by the wayside, as I have plunged into deep misery and sadness.

Lately, I have done nothing but reflect on this past year, which has not seen many really happy moments; and I realise now just how hard it’s really been. No wonder I feel so tired and worn out."

I have to confess that I was quite shocked, and my immediate thought was ‘Does this happen every year at this time, and if so, how long has it been going on?’  I feel suddenly concerned, that this is a pattern that befalls me every year, as I already consider the anniversaries for my sadness well in advance.

This is such a destructive thing to do to myself.  It’s as if I can no longer allow myself to by happy at this time of year, because the people I really miss, are no longer here to share it with me.  Sx :)