Monday, 5 March 2012

Why oh why?

Why is it that the people who are close to you and should care about you, are the ones that actually don't understand or give a shit?
I am almost lost for words to speak, but I think I have the ability to voice my utter disbelief and anger in this way.
What is it about people, that as soon as you open your mouth to express something, they are straight down your throat biting and spitting venom, before the words or sounds are formed.  Why are they always on the attack, and so defensive first, before they give it a moments thought that you may have something important or earnest to say?  Why do they always think that they are about to be blamed for something, or they've done something wrong, and are therefore protecting themselves just in case.

It kills me some times, when I think that I have spent 15 years of my life with someone that is so selfish and conceited, who is only happy when we are talking about him, his interests, his hobbies, his work, his problems, his family issues and hangups, and when things generally either goes just the way he wants them to or not.

He is content with his selfish existence, because he can mock or block whatever or whoever he feels is not important or worthwhile at that moment in time.  Which is usually me.  As usual, I will just pick up the pieces, and repair them once again, or I will make anew and ensure that each time it is stronger. Sometimes I wonder why I do this, does it make me happy, feel more secure, feel cared for or loved, something special, or listened to?  The answer is no, because, all I do is wait for the next time, and wonder if next time, will be my last time.

Why does he only remember at the last minute, that if it were not for me he would not have the very things that he enjoys so much, and yet can be so selfish about.  Why does he take for granted, the one thing he should hold closest to his heart, and nurture, because someone believes in him, no matter what?  He gives me no real thanks or recognition, there is no real appreciation, there are alway only words, and more words that essentially mean nothing or even less that the first time they were spoken with sincerity.

The poison is spat with such anger, but no thought - that will come later when he realises what he is possibly or most likely sacrificing.  Why does he not understand that by then it's too late, words can not be unspoken, unkindness and not be replaced and no soothing words will ever heal the damage that has just been caused.  All he has done is confirm what I already knew and believed, as I see in his actions, behaviour and his mood, every day.  That will never change, as he lacks the respect within himself, to look into the mirror and see who is really is, and what he has become.  It has been a long time since he really last took a look.  Perhaps, it's time to do it again, before he causes long term, irreparable pain.

It is the same blood that courses through his veins, as the other people that constantly torment and abuse him, but no matter what - it will always be my fault.  It's always my fault because I can see the answers that he cannot, I can see the damaged soul that he carries with him, and I can put in the words what he is too weak to speak for himself; and most of all I know the man he hides behind and pretends to be; even though he will never admit that even to himself.

It is always my fault, which is why it is easier for him, to do battle with me, someone he feels is week, vulnerable and accepting of more abuse - even though he knows the truth.  It is easier for him to feel some sense of triumph, to beat his chest and parade his fantastic feathers, because he believes he has conquered me - 'the good side of him' which enables him to do this in the first place.  I gave him the chest to swell with pride, I repaired the wings for him to fly again, and I bandaged his wounds -so how I can I be at fault"  How can I be be wrong again?

So what happens next?  Do I let him off the hook again and pretend that all is as it was, and he can carry on with his happy life?  Or do I stand up yet again, and prove to him that he has no right to do war with me, because I am his saviour and not his real problem?  Or do I add it to the list of unforgivable things that he has done or said in the past, which is making my armour and readiness to do battle with him even stronger?

You tell me.