Monday, 2 September 2013

The Liberation of the inner me

Right now,
I feel as though
I have just emerged
through the other side
of such darkness.
A place I had been for years,
Sinking, lower and lower,
Feeling, darker and darker.
I, have been surrounded by people,
who didn't see me
Who had no idea of the private hell
I was going through, all on my own.
Or in fact, the pressure
that they added to my load.

But then a while back
I, started to really take note of myself,
the people around me, the situation I was in
and the fact that I was so unhappy,
so miserable and so depressed
I had forgotten how to smile
And I felt like this
All the time

My body was racked with pain
from top to toe
I had to use my walking sticks, every where
There was not a part of me that didn't hurt
in spite of me not doing anything drastic

And then very slowly,
and with the help of my Lady
A woman I will never forget
I began to realise
Just how much stress
I was constantly surrounded by
The sad thing, is that
It wasn’t even my mine
Or even stress that I had created
It was other peoples’

Every conversation that I had
Was with someone who leant on me
For support, or had something to share
Every phone call, contained even more
misery and tears
and to every friend that I turned
the story was the same

It was only then, that I realised
No one noticed me
No one saw my pain
No one could imagine my pain
No one could feel my pain
And sadly sympathy was in short supply-
Even though that, was not
The medicine that I required
I felt so sad,
I was so full, of loneliness
But yet, I hid it all
So well behind a smile

My lady,
Helped me to see
That it was not really others
To blame for causing my pain
it was me
I was self-harming
In a virtual way
Every time,
I took on someone else’s pain
I was cutting myself
With their words
I was giving them my permission
to hurt me
To make me feel worse

That day,
I woke up
For the first time in years
That day,
I opened my eyes
And took a good look
At what I had become
And it scared me

Somewhere, along my path
During my journey, through the darkness
I had lost myself
I had lost sight
of who I used to be
and suddenly I missed her so much
She had gone quiet for years
But I hadn’t even noticed
when she had left
I just knew she wasn’t there
With me, all the time

I have always called her
“My Free Spirit”
And every now and then
She would sparkle,
just enough to get my attention
to let me know that
she hadn’t left me completely

Every time I caught a glimpse
I felt stronger inside
As I grew stronger
I became angry
The angrier I became
The more I knew
That something had to change
In fact, not something
But someone
And that someone…
Just happened to be me

So, with the help of my lady
I set about my mission
Ever so slowly I dismantled myself
I gathered all the damaged pieces
And put them back together
Just like it was a
One thousand pieced jigsaw
of my life.
It didn’t take long
Before many pieces showed themselves
Not to fit
They just didn’t belong, somehow

Where they had used to sit
Was now occupied by a different piece
A different shape completely
That is when I saw the answer
That is when I finally understood
That though the pain still lingers,
my smile is now true
“My free spirit”, hadn’t left
she had been caring for me
nurturing all my missing pieces
Until she felt that I was finally ready
To be set free

Sharon Carter-Wray

01 09 2013