Sunday, 5 October 2014

Time to take a closer look...

I realised, that I had been unhappy for quite some time, not only due because of my health issues.  I had suffered great loss, with the death of both my mum and my sister within two months of each other 5 years ago; the complete breakdown of my marriage, and life in general threw down a few challenges, that I had no choice but to to accept.  My life changed again, and in a funny kind of way I was struck by the fact that "life really is too short".

The phrase became my mantra almost, I applied it to everything - people, situations, opportunities and arguments.  It was time to face the facts, and stand up and be counted.  The loss of my mum was tragic and unexpected.  The loss of my sister, well though expected, knocked the stuffing out of me.  I was with both of them when they took their last breaths, something I will forever be grateful for.  I don't know why, but somehow, I was meant to be there, and couldn't have possibly been anywhere else.

For my mum, she took her last breath, having her wish come true, not to die in a hospice, where she was about to moved; yet at the same time she was too ill to be at home.  I was alone with her for her final moments;  having contacted all family members telling them to hurry.  They were very precious moments, a time I will never forget for as long as I live.  In a strange way, it was as if she knew, that I knew, that I would be the next in line to fill part of the hole that she would leave behind.  It still pains me so much every time I think of my ma, and even though I have had small snippets of grieving, I know there is a well so deep in my soul, just filled with tears for the person I truly lost, she can never be replaced by anyone.  So many times I ask myself, if she had waited for me to come, so she could finally let go.

My dear sister, had been ill for so many years, and she had fought her illness with all her might.  She never complained, or asked why she was chosen, she accepted it with all the graciousness you would have expected of a lady.  And she was a lady to her very last day.  She however, was in a hospice of and by her choice, she had picked where she wanted to end her days, because her home and sanctuary was no longer a piece of her heart.  She gave us time to prepare for her leaving, she pulled us altogether so that we were all on the same page.  Some of us however, were a few pages ahead already.  She had kept her illness secret from my parents and other relatives, only saying what she wanted them to know.  But on the flip side, between brother and sisters, we had been tasked with some kind of strict pact; because we knew more about the depth, treatment and severity of her illness, but were sworn not to reveal anything.  I think she knew how hard it was for us to do so, but we all loved and respected her, so we had to honour her.

I sat with my darling sister at her bedside, for 6 day and five nights, being there for every waking moment, and watching her as she slept.  Each day, I would sit and make jewellery quietly, and talk to her when she was lucid.  There was no where else for me to be, I was right were I was supposed to be, right where I wanted to be.  I remember something she had said to me on one of my previous weekly visits, she knew of my unhappiness, the pressure I was under from having sorted our mums' funeral.  But yet she said something to encourage and assure me that she believed in me, and that my life would be better.  She also understood.  I had a few choice decisions to make, in order to bring about the improvements.  She was a huge part of my life, and God only knows the void that was left in me, from her passing.  From talking to her 2 or 3 times daily, to nothing had such a devastating impact on me.  There are still days now, when I wish I could call her, just to have a chat, and laugh about seeing the funny side of life.

There is not a day goes by that I don't see, think or talk to my ma, sister and brother who passed many years before.  When I am stuck, I talk out loud,  I have a deep conversation with them, telling them my thoughts, asking for guidance or support.  But the truth of the matter is that I feel them, they hold me close, enwrap me, they are forever watching over me.  They are my angels, the stars in the night sky, and I miss them all dreadfully; even as I write this I am so choked up and tearful.

I did the best I could for both of their send offs, both were beautiful days for two very beautiful women.

There has been so much to grieve for, including the loss of my husbands' family, and my life losses.  One day will be the right day, when I can finally release all the grief inside of me, but for now I need to hold it together for just a bit longer.

I know for myself that writing this blog, is another doorway into my future.  I am at last giving myself permission to experience and explore my varying emotions and feelings.  Sx