Sunday, 20 March 2016

Sometimes it's good to forget...

We are nothing in life without experience, without it, how can we grow?

Since the beginning of this year, I have been living in my dark zone, a place I now find more of a comfort rather than a misery.   I found myself fresh from battle, feeling broken, wounded and alone, the full enormity of what I had been dealing and coping with finally fell upon me; and it knocked me to the ground.

I was in “lock down” mode, and I was forced to contemplate and reevaluate all the mini battles I had fought this last year and beyond.  I guess I had downplayed the effect that a lot of it was taking on me, as I was in full gear, ready to fight until the end.  I needed closure.  Closure on many things and that was the only way it would happen.  I am still in that mode now, I call it self-preservation, because I am trying to preserve all things good, even though I am and have been surrounded by such horrible negative energy.

I’ve had no choice, but revisit some very unhappy moments in my life.  I was seeking a much deeper clarity, because some of those ghosts of the past were reappearing now in present day.  All the anger and sadness that I had felt from those episodes, remain very strong, as they were times when I have been cut to the very bone, and those wounds still bleed.  Those wounds never healed.  Because every cut had been made by the hands of people I loved, and those people really hurt me.

I still choke up, every time those thoughts come to mind, my feelings and emotions are still so raw.  I am not sure, if I will ever really get over it or finally put it away in a box somewhere to be forgotten about, forever.  But that will never be the case, because sadly I am given too many reminders, and history can and does unfortunately repeat itself.  Alas it’s never the good parts, only the ones that have left a bad taste in my mouth.

All these people left a hole in my life and my heart, it doesn’t really matter if they know that or not.  But then, perhaps maybe they never understood it, when I told them to ‘never to question my integrity’ or to ‘take my good nature for granted’.  They probably also didn’t notice when I took my very step away from them, the gap between us is now so wide, it is beyond any healing or repair.  They were times, I wished I had never encountered and certainly never wanted to repeat ever again.

I am open with my love, and I openly show my affection, as I believe you should tell people that you care for them.  I find it difficult to deal with people who aren’t upfront and straightforward, I believe you should “say it, as it is”. 

I have been blessed with great intuition, and my gut instincts have never failed me, but right now I am readying myself for the possible rift in another friendship.  The thought of it is already breaking my heart, but this time I will now allow it to break my spirit or my soul.  I am too old for this kind of drama in my life, and I have absolutely nothing to prove.  But yet I am being tested, and I really don’t like this feeling at all. 

I will rise to the challenge once again, because that is what is required and needed, but I learned a long time ago, that not everything is worth fighting for…  Sx