Wednesday, 21 January 2015

When there is nothing left...

So, the curtain is finally falling on my 18 year relationship, with my ex husband.  Never have I ever thought, that this is how things would turn out.

All the years of frustration and bottled up feelings and emotions, are coming to an end.  The life that I've had to date, is definitely in the past, it is my old history, and I shall neatly pack it away, hoping to never see signs of it again.  The life, that I plan to have, will have no room for negativity or disrespect, instead I aim to fill it with anything that makes me happy.

There is no place in my life, or in my heart for ex husband.  I refuse to carry this chapter of my life around like excess baggage, the weight of which would surely see me on my knees.  He has made suggestions that he would like to maintain some contact, but I just don't have the strength anymore.  Why would I want to continue seeing someone, who has caused me so much pain and anguish?

Maybe he thinks that I may still have some need of him in my life,  that I won't cope being on my own.  But, somehow I figure he's going to be needing me, he's hoping that in some way or other, I will leave doors open for him, to come and go as he pleases.  That I will still be there loyal, kind and generous, still willing to help him out, as I have always done.  But I can't, there is nothing left.

I am not that woman anymore.  I have nothing left for him.  Whatever I had left, has been soaked up and washed away.

I am not sure how I do actually 'feel' about my ex,  I have no more tears left for him, they were cried out a long time ago.  I know I don't care or worry for for him in anyway.  I know I still bear a lot of anger toward him, yet I have detached myself so much, that he may as well be a stranger.  Any kind thoughts for him have long gone and I grimace at the mention of his name.  I don't even want to have any conversations with him or about him, unless it's absolutely necessary.  I certainly don't want others to keep him alive in my life either, by asking if I've heard from him, or telling me they've spoken, after all, he is pursuing his new life.  So leave him be.

 I just have nothing left for him.  Sx