Just waiting to fall apart... again.

I have to say it has not been a great start to this year, even though we are now over four months into it.  But I was so grateful to be able to turn the page on 2015, a year that had witnessed many changes in my life. 

I had to be so driven last year, because it was the only way I could have made the transition from ending something old and painful, and embracing something new an unknown.

The saying:‘You don’t know how strong you are, until you put in a situation that tests you’, is so incredibly true.  There were many times, I thought I was so broken and had nothing left, but somehow, I kept up the fight to win through.  There were many times, when I really wanted to just fall apart, but each time, I reminded myself that I had dealt with far worse, so I saved myself instead. But of course, it has come at a heavy cost, but I cannot deny that it was worth it.

I had ended last year feeling thoroughly drained and exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally.  But now, I look at how far I have come in that time, and feel like I have performed nothing short of a miracle. 

What was once just a thought, has become a true reality, I parted company from my ex after 18 and half years together, (even though the last two years with him was a nightmare), having to be under the same roof with someone that no longer cares for you, is by no means easy.  He had always been a Jekyll and Hyde kind of man, I had seen the flip side of him so many times, but I don’t know what was hardest; whether it was watching the final transformation from Jekyll to Hyde, or knowing, that’s what he had in him.  But throughout this difficult period I always expected the worst from him, so I was left with no surprises.  However, I was still quite take aback at the depths he was prepared to go, just to hurt me.

He never lifted a hand to me, but then he knew what the consequences would be if he did – he would have definitely ended up being worse off.  Instead he took his physical aggression out on objects and things around the house, nothing that ever belonged to him mind, only my stuff.  There was always a quiet rage going on within his head that would erupt over the most ridiculous things.  Where once I would have taken the time to talk to him and calm him done, at the end I didn’t care, I let him rage. 

He spoke with such venomous words toward me, at times I even had to ask myself, what I could have possibly done to him to make him behave this way.  But the truth was, it wasn’t anything I had done or said, he was just so intent on hurting me, he hadn’t noticed he had been hurting himself.  Every little mean thing he tried to say or do, backfired on him, he thought he could crush me, but he had failed.  He was not a very nice man in the, but I accept that I allowed him to be that way with me, for far too long, and I shouldn’t have.  I should have stopped things so much sooner, I should have gone the moment I discovered the depth of the financial mire he was in, but instead, I stayed, I helped, I sorted it out, I put him back on his feet again, I gave him back his pride and dignity.  My big mistake, but that’s what marriage vows are for, aren’t they?

It was my first anniversary a couple of weeks back, a landmark I had almost overlooked.  But it’s been a whole year since I last saw him, or spoke to him.  It has been a whole year of off loading every aspect of him, eradicating him from my life and thoughts.  It has been a very cleansing experience, in my mind I am happier, and I feel lighter like I did 20 years ago before I met him.  It’s just sad that physically I am still feeling the pains that all that stress and anguish has brought on me, but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

In my head I have taken all my time with him, boxed it up and shut it away, as though it never happened.  So even though he will always be a part of my life, he’ll never play an active role in it again, under any circumstances.

There has been no end of emotional and physical battles to fight these last few years, all in the name of ‘sorting’ my life out.  My health has declined mainly thanks to the car accident, and that I have pushed myself so hard to achieve things.  These last few months have been particularly hard, but it has given me the time to contemplate and reflect on both positive and negative issues that affect my life.  Everything has been reassessed, reevaluated, and a decision made about its relevance or importance to me.  Anything that is beyond my control has been discarded off the list of my worries, leaving me more time to focus on my own needs.

So one year on, I can celebrate success – I have found me a new place that I am slowly making into my home.  I am enjoying rediscovering and expressing my art and creativity, something that has for too long been repressed.  I am filling my head daily with music, new and old, I hadn’t appreciated just how music can be so good for the soul.  Thankfully I feel free, I feel happy and I do not want or need for anything, life is back to being tranquil, peaceful and simple.

I can say that I have now reached a point where I can relax my shoulders and breathe again.  Sx  

Follow the link

I have started to write for another site called Mentalmovement, which officially launches in May, and is there to support people who suffer with mental illness.  I would really appreciate it if you would follow the link and have a look see what its all about.

This is a snippet of an article I wrote, which went live online last week, so if you’d like to read more please follow the link on the right, or click on the link below.

Thank you for being there.  Sx

Falling down the rabbit hole…

I am sure that like many of you, when you first got your diagnosis of depression you nearly went into shock, with complete disbelief.  Then you probably asked yourself “ how could something happen like that possible happen to me?”, or said “I am this, I am that, I don’t have time, this happens to other people….and so on.

Well, I know that’s how I felt!  I knew I was tired, I knew my blood pressure was higher than was liked, and I also knew that I had been coping with a lot of stress and pressure.  This was coming from work, home, family, in fact from every corner of my life, but at the time, I hadn’t seen it that way.  That was until the day my body simply said “enough, I can’t do this any more”.   It felt like everything inside literally shut down, as I experienced the worst panic attack of my life, and that was nearly 13 years ago.

Please click on this link: www.mentalmovement.co.uk

Sometimes it's good to forget...

We are nothing in life without experience, without it, how can we grow?

Since the beginning of this year, I have been living in my dark zone, a place I now find more of a comfort rather than a misery.   I found myself fresh from battle, feeling broken, wounded and alone, the full enormity of what I had been dealing and coping with finally fell upon me; and it knocked me to the ground.

I was in “lock down” mode, and I was forced to contemplate and reevaluate all the mini battles I had fought this last year and beyond.  I guess I had downplayed the effect that a lot of it was taking on me, as I was in full gear, ready to fight until the end.  I needed closure.  Closure on many things and that was the only way it would happen.  I am still in that mode now, I call it self-preservation, because I am trying to preserve all things good, even though I am and have been surrounded by such horrible negative energy.

I’ve had no choice, but revisit some very unhappy moments in my life.  I was seeking a much deeper clarity, because some of those ghosts of the past were reappearing now in present day.  All the anger and sadness that I had felt from those episodes, remain very strong, as they were times when I have been cut to the very bone, and those wounds still bleed.  Those wounds never healed.  Because every cut had been made by the hands of people I loved, and those people really hurt me.

I still choke up, every time those thoughts come to mind, my feelings and emotions are still so raw.  I am not sure, if I will ever really get over it or finally put it away in a box somewhere to be forgotten about, forever.  But that will never be the case, because sadly I am given too many reminders, and history can and does unfortunately repeat itself.  Alas it’s never the good parts, only the ones that have left a bad taste in my mouth.

All these people left a hole in my life and my heart, it doesn’t really matter if they know that or not.  But then, perhaps maybe they never understood it, when I told them to ‘never to question my integrity’ or to ‘take my good nature for granted’.  They probably also didn’t notice when I took my very step away from them, the gap between us is now so wide, it is beyond any healing or repair.  They were times, I wished I had never encountered and certainly never wanted to repeat ever again.

I am open with my love, and I openly show my affection, as I believe you should tell people that you care for them.  I find it difficult to deal with people who aren’t upfront and straightforward, I believe you should “say it, as it is”. 

I have been blessed with great intuition, and my gut instincts have never failed me, but right now I am readying myself for the possible rift in another friendship.  The thought of it is already breaking my heart, but this time I will now allow it to break my spirit or my soul.  I am too old for this kind of drama in my life, and I have absolutely nothing to prove.  But yet I am being tested, and I really don’t like this feeling at all. 

I will rise to the challenge once again, because that is what is required and needed, but I learned a long time ago, that not everything is worth fighting for…  Sx

A new look!

To my readers...

I have decided that this blog needed a bit of cheering up, and so have given it a bit of a make-over  by choosing a much brighter colour and applying a few tweaks

I have also decided that I will use this space to post some of the many poems and scribblings that I have been doing from way back when, 'til now.

I hope you enjoy the new look and please let me know what you think.

Thanks for sticking by!  Sx :)

It's okay to fall apart.

Reading back over my last few posts, I guess I have mentioned that I felt like I was going down again.  I've had a lot on my mind, and also had a lot of little battles that I needed to fight in my head.

Now being a true Cancerian, I have always been a good shoulder to cry or lean on for others, but I have never found anyone who could do that for me.  I suppose the way I see it, is that if someone is coming to me for help or guidance, how can they provide me with what I need?  I.e. if I am a rock, then surely I need someone who is a bigger and stronger rock.  I do so hope that makes sense, but anyway, I digress.  

So throughout my life, whenever I am in a mess, angry or trying to figure something out etc, I will generally withdraw back into the quiet of my shell, where I will then bash it out; only when sorted, will I re-emerge with a clear and decisive head. Doing this and writing this blog etc, has usually worked for me, and the process can take anything from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks.  Sometimes it may bring tears, but it always brings serious thought, and as a result I will always trust my gut instincts before anything else.

A lot of things have been getting me down lately, some things I have mentioned in previous posts, but I am pleased to say that I have reached a kind of conclusion.  It suddenly hit me the other day that I hadn’t really fully appreciated what’s been going on in my life, or the pressure that I have been struggling with for the past 8 years. 

I have almost been in denial about my health, putting it on a back burner, whilst focusing on other things.  Presumably because I thought they were more important, how wrong I was…  So up until now, I still hadn’t given myself the time or permission to be ill, but then neither did anyone else.

I think for the first time, in a long time, I understand why I need to be kind to myself.  Only now, thinking about the enormity of my struggles, I see why I have slowly deteriorated both mentally and physically over the last few months.  I can see, how I have kept up the pretense in front of other people, letting them think that things were much better, than they actually were, I guess in the long run, it took less energy.  They don’t get that when I step outside, I automatically put on a really brave face, just to be as normal as I can, I don’t really want to draw attention to myself.  Because that then involves many questions, suggestions, solutions and so on, and so on, too often from people that really don’t want t know.  Even when those questions are answered the asker is still left puzzled, and it is extremely exhausting for me.

My old friend depression has come to visit again, not that it ever left, I had just squirreled it away somewhere, in order to do what needed to be done.  New pains have been creeping in all over my body, and I am just so exhausted every single day.  My thermostatic controls have gone haywire, and I find myself suddenly soaked in sweat, even though I am feeling freezing cold.  My sleep is so disturbed that I can’t count of the number of times I wake up throughout the night.  So every morning, it feels like I haven’t slept at all, and so the cycle continues…

 

I feel like a battered and broken woman.  There are not many places left on my body that don’t hurt, there are no such things as good days anymore, they are either bad days or worse ones.  I am actually overwhelmed by the amount and level of pain that I had no choice but get used to and accept.  I have had to learn how to read my body, and know when it’s time to stop and do nothing but rest, but that doesn’t stop my mind from going into overdrive. 

I have no idea what, why or how this horrible condition fibromyalgia all got triggered off.  I keep racking my brain, dredging up old memories, just trying to identify that one thing that caused me enough stress to kick-start this illness.

Lately, I must confess, I have felt a little sorry for myself, and for the life I no longer have.  I don’t dwell there too long, there would be no point, and it hurts too much.  Accepting acceptance is an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it is the only way that I can move on.  Only within these walls, can I really be myself, but believe me I am not easy taskmaster, and will still frequently chastise and push myself far to much, only because I refuse to give in to it.

A lot of things disappeared from my life, mainly the things that I really enjoyed, and used as a form of expression, they were for a while replaced with much darker things.  For quite a long time, my only real joy was with my little pooch Lulu, she has given me so much.  But now, I have my art and creativity back on board, and I feel an awakening.  It’s something for me to do and get lost in, while I continue to bash things out in my head.

This is an important part of my journey, this is the stage where I have to let go, be they harmful thoughts, feelings people or things.  This is the stage where I really do start my new beginning, so it a necessary step to revisit hidden things from my past, and be done with them for once and for all; otherwise, I will remain standing still.

It does feel like I have a big dark cloud hanging just over my head, going wherever I go, but I know that this will not always be the case.   So for now, I will continue to search my soul for the answers that will get me out of here.

Depression is still such a dirty word to some, yet pretty much everyone’s lives have probably been touched by it.  There is still this weird stigma attached to it, even though it is such a common illness.  At some point we have all experienced it, but the less fortunate suffers even with medication can feel it for years, it can become a very debilitating condition; and not one you can just ‘brush off’.

I have every reason to be depressed, it is only natural considering my daily issues, I am sure if I felt no pain I would be so much happier and have a fuller life.   But as that is not going to happen, I will remain determined that I will find my way through this…  Sx

Tripping' down memory lane again!

So here I am again, revisiting a place I fell in love with a few years back.  But it's different this time round, I don't feel any stress or anxiety about being here, even though I am on my own this time.

Marakesh, has something about it, there is so much colour, vibrancy and glorious smells; from the rich perfume of frankincense to the horse muck! I have never  been to a place where a horse and cart is  just as common a sight, as bicycles, cars and mopeds on the roads.  But it all makes this a wonderful place, still rich with so much culture.

I can't quite put my finger on what it is that draws me to this place, but I am glad I have had the opportunity to come back here.  

It's weird because I never really thought that I was particularly brave travelling solo, but as a lone woman of a certain age, I guess I must be.  To me it's more about confidence, and knowing that if I didn't do this, I would never go anywhere, and that would be no good at all.

I made a promise to myself, to travel to places I have not been before, for as long as I can afford to, and as long as I am physically able to.  I suppose in a way, it's proof of my survival, that life does go on, even if starting all over again.  Maybe, I just want to feel that not all is lost, that I haven't lost my free spirit, and I haven't given up or given in yet.

A few weeks back, I was beginning to feel like I was in a rut, and felt really low and run down. Most of these feelings were brought on by other people's mischief making.  But in  the end I gave myself a good talking to, and dismissed everything that was getting me down.  That exercise cleared my head of it's misery, and put me  back into a happy place, where at least I feel back in  control again.  And this trip has come at a perfect time. 

I had burnt myself out again.  Only now do I really understand and appreciate what I have been dealing with for so long.  I perhaps had taken too much in my stride, and rolled my sleeves up and just got on with the task in hand.  I didn't really have much choice, it was either move on or stay standing still, in a marriage and life that made me feel very unhappy.

I had lost a lot of myself in that life, I had no sparkle and no joy to speak of.  But each day, I am rediscovering pieces of myself that are glad to be reawakened.  My imagination is all fired up and ready to go, the only thing that stands in the way of that is me, if I get bogged down with other people's shit and demands on my time.  

But again, another promise I have made to myself, is that I come first from now on.  I will not bow down to other people, at a cost to myself, or feel that their needs are greater than mine.  Too many times I have done things, that haven't made me feel good about myself, I have allowed too many people to disrespect me.  And in turn I have disrespected myself, which has left me feeling used and abused.   

But some of it has been my own fault, I looked for something in a person that I was never going to find, and then felt disappointed and let down.  I have given too much time, thought, kindness and attention to the wrong people, only to receive nothing back, no wonder I have felt so empty at times.  

But now, I will only have room in my life, for people who have room in theirs for me; and that is how it needs to be.  Sx :)

The Princess and the fucking whore!!!

A man I knew many years ago, once said something to me that has stayed with me all my life. But it is only recently, have I taken his words as a lesson.

I will tell you from now, that whatever I write today is going to be very frank and bluntly honest, because I don’t know any other way of expressing what I feel.  

At the time I think I was about 25, so about 25 years ago, and I did not take offence at what he said, because it wasn’t said to be offensive or to hurt me.  I believe that he really saw into me, and saw something that I still had to discover for myself.  He was a few years older than me, and we had struck up this unusual friendship, that we both knew would never be more than it was.  He was a Sikh, and I obviously wasn’t, but that didn’t get in the way of our friendship, which has only came about because I frequented the place his of work.  There was never any question of anything else happening between us we just took it, for what it was.

I remember this occasion so clearly, because we were sat in a local pub, both drinking soft drinks, and I guess he must have been observing me and given it some thought, because he turned to me and said, I quote:

“You could have either been a Princess or a fucking whore!”

I never asked him why he said it, or by what he meant, I just kind of took it on board and accepted it.  But so many times over these years, his words have come back, resonating loudly through me, and each time, it has made me stop and think.  The statement itself, is a dichotomy, and as such there is no absolute answer to it’s meaning.  However, time and again, I am given reason to revisit that particular day, and each time I have reached new conclusions, and a better understanding of where he might have been coming from.  I don’t actually recall if I saw him again after that, but it is true that words can leave a remarkable footprint. I don’t know whether he knew, that his words would have a lasting impact or not, but I do see the absolute truth in them; which goes to the very root of me.

I have never looked at myself as being some great beauty, in fact I only really became aware of my looks when I reached the age of 26.  I never really appreciated what made me attractive to the opposite sex, or noticed that I had blossomed, until I began to hear what the men around me said.  Throughout school and college, no one had expressed any particular interest of that kind in me, so I never thought I was anything special.  I didn’t look in the mirror and see something stunning reflecting back at me, as far as I was concerned I was just ordinary.  But, it would seem that I had changed and blossomed, even though I couldn’t see it myself, and still don’t even today!

I have repeated what this man said to me, to few people both male and female, only to gauge what they might understand.  The response from the women has always been to take immediate offence, and the guys are always reluctant to share their thoughts; which has only served to confirm that my own thoughts are right.  And this saddens me, because I have been a victim, caught up in something, that I have only just realised I have unwittingly played a part in. 

His statement, would suggest that somehow there is a choice to be made.  A choice between being either a Princess or a fucking whore, but that choice or decision does not exist, nor it is one for me to make.  It is made by the attitude of men I have encountered in my life, have of me.  They decide what it is they want from me, they decide, if I am the princess or the whore, and they treat me accordingly.

But the simple truth as I believe it to be, is that I am both.  In truth, I am a princess, but on a romantic level; virtually every man that I have come across has only ever treated me like a whore.  No wonder I have become so disillusioned. 

And knowing and understanding this fact, is horrible.  It is not something I am willing to accept.

All my life, I have been in search of love.  True, genuine, sincere and real love.  And yet I have seldom felt it.  I give out enough of it, and get pretty much fuck all back, apart from men wanting to literally fuck me or fuck me over.  Like I said at the start, some of you may think I am being foolish, that maybe I should be grateful for this kind of attention, that it’s a boost to the ego.  But what it has achieved is that all I see are men looking at me, like I’m a piece of meat or plaything, and nothing more.

The first time I signed up for a dating site, it didn’t take long before I realised that finding sincerity let alone true love, was going to be difficult.  Within a matter of weeks, I said to my friends, that I had a “fuckable face”, not a nice term, but a factual one nonetheless.  I came up with this, after so many men made it perfectly clear what they would like to do, either to me or with me.  They saw me, and just wanted to fuck me, and nothing else.  None of them read my profile or anything about me, but they had assumed that it was okay, to speak to me like this, with such disrespect, as though my own feelings didn’t even come in to it.  As though that was all I was also looking for, meaningless sex and non-relationships.  Needless to say, I soon put them straight and then some, but after a while it began to hurt.  And if it wasn’t sex they wanted, they put in a lot of effort to woo me, in order to extort money from me, with their sad, sorry tales of sudden misfortune, with which only I could help.  I have come across them all.

On 2 recent holidays, I was constantly harassed by men of all ages, shapes and sizes, all thinking they would have a go.  As if, just a few nice words were enough for me to fall down, spread my legs, and invite them all in.  I never asked for or solicited any of this attention, but I got it anyway.  I had begun to think that I had some sign on my forehead only visible to men, it made me feel quite paranoid.  It made me feel angry and it made me feel sad. 

I am sure I am not alone in this, but as a woman it is not a compliment to be made to feel like this. To be thought of in this way, certainly doesn’t boost my ego or make me feel good in the slightest.  Maybe if I were still young (& wild), I might have appreciated this or even made the most of it, but I was never that girl, and will never be that woman.  I guess I am angry, because I never believed that men could be that shallow, and it saddens me, because they have no idea about everything else they are missing out on.  Everything else that makes me, me, everything else that is hidden just beneath the skin of what they perceive, because that is where my true beauty exists. 

And so those words that were spoken to me all those years ago, are still in my head and remain so utterly true.  My conclusion to all this, is that I am both a Princess and a whore, and what men have to learn about me is that,

‘If they treat me like a Princess, maybe I will also be their whore, but if they treat me like a whore, they get nothing at all’.

And as for that man, I believe he saw that in me, and if circumstances had been different, who knows where we might be. 

But I thank him, because I have never felt such honesty since.  Sx 

Still moving on..

I have had this feeling, creeping over me all week.  I didn’t know what it was until just this minute, when I realised that maybe it is about closure.

I have been so close to being broken so many times over the last few years, but each time I have fought it, maybe because to me, it was never the right time.   This tight control that I have had on myself, in order to keep going forward, has got to come to an end, it is time.

I physically moved on some 9 months back, and I have looked back with moments of great sadness, but never one grain of regret.  I had no choice, I had to save myself.

I found a new nest to call my home.  I have found my sanctuary, a place where I am free.  Maybe it’s because I feel safe, that I think it’s time to trust myself to finally fall apart.

I look at myself, and see a remarkable woman.  I look at myself, and think my God, how did I come through this?  It is not a question that needs an answer, it is more the overwhelming shock, that I have.  It took everything I had left in me, to get here, and in spite of my frequent bouts of depression, I am glad that I did.

Revisiting this time 2 years ago, I can remember the emotions that were ripping through me, that made me start my divorce proceedings, the anguish and the pain when reality made me open my eyes.  It was the start of the transformation of the man back into the real beast that he was, it was the beginning of the end.  An end that took another 18 months, before it actually arrived.

Then last year, being divorced, but still under the same roof, with the man that I abhorred, who tried to do so many underhand things to further undermine or abuse me.  Then there was, my car accident, the one single event that really fucked my life up, my goodness, I was so unhappy then, so utterly miserable.

And now, 1 year on I say that I am happy… it is not really a lie, but compared to last year it has been a complete turnaround.  But I know, there is a side of me, that has still to let go… it is clinging on to something that perhaps I am missing now.  It wasn’t always bad there were many good moments, but over all, they still remained few.

My feelings of grief, are very powerful right now, I have not been able to shake it off.  It’s not just grief for my physical losses, it is the loss of everything else.  It is the acknowledgement that at 50, I have made choices, that the average woman would not dare do, for fear of isolation, loneliness or insecurity.  I lived with those feelings everyday, and what scared me more was the thought that things would never change, so I had to make sure they did.

Someone said to me the other day, “Your mum and sister, wouldn’t want you to feel miserable every Christmas…” This was after I had said how much I was missing them, it struck me as a rather insensitive thing to say, because I course they wouldn’t it wish it, neither do I, but I can’t help the way I feel, and this came from someone who has not lost anyone really close to them yet.  It felt like such a cold thing to say.

The need to cry, has been strong.  I am doing my best not to fight it anymore, I know it would do me good, to get that suppression released, to give it a path to flow.  Even as I write this, the tears well up and then subside.

This year has been a real struggle, but it has been worth it.  Looking at my life now, and everything that I have managed to achieve, in spite of my physical and mental health, confirms that I learnt my lesson well.  My fathers words,  “You have to fight for your survival”,  still echo in the back of my mind, and even though this was wasn’t what he had meant all those years ago, it became true, over and over again!

I have been so laser focused and determined to get my life back on track, that I have exhausted all my energies, and I feel so drained by the effort it has taken.  I just want to lay down somewhere quiet, and take care of myself,  to heal myself again, and to feel loved again.  This has been such a solitary journey, and I miss the comfort of another persons’ arms, their kind words, and the feeling of being warmed by closeness.


I have been searching for it, for so long, I often wonder if I will ever find it, for the first time - that simple embrace that melts the monsters away.  I haven’t lost my hope yet, and have come to accept that there are many a frog out there, masquerading as a would-be prince; but none of them have yet tempted me with their kiss!

Bad people, have thickened my shell, making me more difficult to break, and being a typical crab I will fight to protect my underside, my weakest point with every manoeuvre I have.  I have no tolerance for users and abusers, and I have no time, for anyone who hasn’t time for me.  I have been hardened by experience, that is a fact, but within me, I am still the same untouched, soft, fragile and beautiful soul…

So maybe, it is all about finding closure.  Closing ‘that’ particular book.  Maybe that’s why I can’t cry.  Maybe deep down I know I should be celebrating, joyfully appreciating all that makes me, me.  Maybe I should give myself more recognition for the battles I have won so far, rather than just their cost to me.  Maybe, I should accept that my loved ones, are still very much a part of me, and are with me with every breath I breathe, and every step I take.  Maybe they stop my tears, before I can weep so that they are not wasted on weeds that will never bloom.

Maybe, it's just time to fall apart apart, let it be for a while, and rest before I put the final me back together.

Maybe, it’s finally just time… Sx :)

To my readers out there..

To my readers out there.

I appreciate that I have a handful of people that check in my blog, from all over the world, it makes me so happy to think that my words reach so far.  

Some of you  may be regulars, and I value the the fact that you have stuck with me, even through the gaps, when I couldn't write anything.  

I don't know what you put in as a search, or why/how you have all found me, but I am grateful and hope that you get something from what I write.

I started writing this blog, because I needed to express myself and "get it out there " and your locations confirm that I have at least achieved that.  

But I now I am asking you guys to do something for me; I would love to hear back from you, I would love to know your thoughts about what I have written, good, bad or indifferent.  It would also be great to find out, it any of you have found it useful.

So, please drop me a line.  Sx :)

As I said before, it feels like I can't allow myself to be happy at this time of year, because the people I really miss, are not here to share it with me...

This year I have really felt the loss of both my mum and sister.  I still miss my brother, but so much more time has passed since he left, and I have come to terms with him not being around.

I cannot say the same thing for mum and my sis, they have left a different kind of emptiness in me.

Since they passed, I have muddled though my my life, going through the motions of what everyone expected me to  be.  I stepped up, when my kin had no one else to turn to, I wore my mothers' mantle, as best I could.  But it was always going to be way too big for me, and her shoes were way too small, but my protests were never heard.

From then, people failed to see the real me, anymore.  They saw my strength, my kindness and strong mind, but not the woman who was really falling about.  A woman who was feeling so utterly crushed and paralysed, by grief, unhappiness, loneliness and her own spiralling health problems.

Every one needed someone to turn to, and in most cases that was me.  I had time for everything and everyone, the callers on the other end of the line, knew nothing about the agony they inflicted on me, when I listened to them cry, and speak of their sadness.  They had no idea, just how much my heart was breaking, or the true sense of loss that I was feeling, while I stayed strong for them.

And before I knew it, years had passed, and I still had not really grieved their loss for myself.  Anniversaries came and went, and now we hardly talk about them anymore.

This last year has been particularly hard.  There have been so many difficulties and hurdles in my life that I have had to battle my way through.  There have been so many times when I have needed them, but have had to make do with one-sided conversations, imaginary answers and memories that have been evoked by my missing them so dreadfully.

This is the first year, since they passed, when I am truly on my own.  There is no one else to steal my time and attention.  For the first time I feel that I am free to properly grieve, to let all my sadness and hurt out, because the agony has been killing me.  But my tears refuse to fall, maybe they are not sure why they are being called on.  After all, I've come through the other side, beaten and bruised but still intact, still somehow whole, and more than just hanging in there.

They have and always will remain very close to me, they come to me everyday in thoughts and memories, that can either make me laugh or cry, but they always serve to make me remember them or a lesson I need to learn.  I remember their courage and strength, and I am reminded that we were cut from the same cloth, that I am also brave and strong.  That no matter what happens, I will rise, time and time again, until I take my final fall.

I know they are willing me, not to be blinded by my sadness anymore, or weakened by my grief for them, even though it has taken so long.  I sense they are telling me to find my courage again, to move on and enjoy this new life.

Maybe they telling me that it's time to let them go.  Sx :)

Going down!

I decided to make an entry into my diary this afternoon, and I cannot believe that the last time I wrote it in, was eleven months ago.  I just don’t understand how that can be, that I managed to move on and do so much, without needing to share my thoughts.  One very surprising thing, is that as I read it, I was reading about my current frame of mind, which seems to have been exactly the same today, as it was eleven months ago.

"For the last few weeks, I could feel my steady decline approaching. All thoughts of Christmas, (A time I hoped I would be celebrating) has fallen by the wayside, as I have plunged into deep misery and sadness.

Lately, I have done nothing but reflect on this past year, which has not seen many really happy moments; and I realise now just how hard it’s really been. No wonder I feel so tired and worn out."

I have to confess that I was quite shocked, and my immediate thought was ‘Does this happen every year at this time, and if so, how long has it been going on?’  I feel suddenly concerned, that this is a pattern that befalls me every year, as I already consider the anniversaries for my sadness well in advance.

This is such a destructive thing to do to myself.  It’s as if I can no longer allow myself to by happy at this time of year, because the people I really miss, are no longer here to share it with me.  Sx :)

A little something I wrote today...

Ready to love again

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You never believed

You’d have it so good again

But loving you was painful

You brought me to my knees

Your love of me

Just meant I had to leave

How come those 3 little words

Were so easy to fall from your lips,

When I believed that showing you

was so much better instead?

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You made me feel so empty inside

You left me feeling cold

Your love was very public

You liked to own me, so I was off bounds

But what did you do to ever keep me,

To make me feel safe and sound?

You stopped caring for me

And in turn ‘true’ love left too

You filled your life with other passions

One’s more important than your bride

So what was I to do,

But quietly die inside?

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

You took me for granted,

Never believing that I might leave

You thought I’d stay forever

Be contented with my lot

But you’d stripped me down naked

naked to my bones

You took nearly everything I had
And even then, it still wasn’t enough.

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

I once was your queen,

And once you treated me as such

But then suddenly you stopped

And replaced me with other things to love

How was I to compete with that?

There was nothing left that I had

You made me feel unlovable

When you didn’t see me, anymore

You left me with a hollow heart

You emptied out my soul

You had no idea

Just how precious it was

What you held in your hands

But you threw it all away

Only learning now what it was you had

But I will be a queen again

This I feel for sure

And even through my doubting hours

I know I will love again

And next time I will love more

Sx

01/06/2015